It's been a big week. I got a one-year job offer which means that not only do I have a job but also that I will be graduating this summer. That'll be Dr. MacCool to y'all. I don't want to get too specific here (except to clarify I'm not fixing anyone's broken arm, ok? it's not that kind of dr.) but this is going to be a really major milestone in my life, no question about it.
Since I got the news I've been through so many different emotions. Relief that I'll be earning money--I also got part-time summer work, hurray--being able to support myself and, ideally, my family has always been intensely important to me. I've been working pretty steadily at one thing or another, or more than one, since I was 16. I got some rejections this spring and had a little moment of panic. Part of what induced the 'crazy' of my mid-20s was the feeling that I had to have a certain level of gender conformity in order to be hired and to earn money. (I got this as a pretty clear, if covert, message at my first real job after college, so it wasn't just delusion.) Anyway, I refuse to go back to that place of fear and fake conformity, but it's a big relief to find that that doesn't require a total reinvention of my professional path, at least not this year.
Then, I'm excited about the work I'll be doing, and apprehensive about doing a good job. I'm afraid of leaving my fellow-grad-students behind (though honestly, the changes in my personal life in the last year or so have already done a pretty good job of that already). And I'm on guard lest the lure of succeeding at this job screws with my head the way that the first job did. I have a post brewing about my new year's resolution to be an asshole as necessary. I better write that to remind myself not to let it fall by the wayside in a quest to please my new colleagues & bosses.
Getting this job is slightly melancholy, too, because it represents the culmination, in a sense, of all of the hard work that was done mostly by a person who I now only dimly recognize as myself. I feel a strange urge to reach into the past and thank her a little, but also warn her I'm going to do something different with all this, not what she had planned at all.
This is probably an impossibly cryptic post to read. The point is this: I've been moaning about jobs & school here & on Twitter. I've gotten some awesome news. And, being me, it's complicated and I have to process it and stand at an angle from it, too, in addition to drinking champagne & smoking cigars.