Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Tough Day, 2008, 2009

A year ago today I played an April Fool's Joke on FG. We were about a month into our gender awakening/sex explosion/life & relationship reinvention that happened last year. I went into the bathroom and put my hair up (it was still long), put on her lipstick and her bra, and came up behind her in the bedroom. There was a long quiet moment in which she stared at me, and then I said "April Fool's!"

It was just about the least funny joke I've ever played on anyone. Maybe now I could do drag humorously but then, in the raw first weeks of truth and discovery, when we were acknowledging how deeply dishonest and fucked up our relationship had gotten... it was a bad idea.

FG was spectacularly angry. So angry, I actually slept on the pullout couch for the next week. I remember that week with a vivid sensory recall: the smell of the dodgy, thin couch mattress, the prepared meals I bought at Tesco, the cheap brandy I drank. Listening to Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart Again on endless repeat. The smell of the English springtime coming in through the windows. Working my way through Sinclair's archives. And, of course, starting my own blog. I started working on it the night of April 1 and blogged my first post the next day after I'd settled on a name.

So tomorrow is my first blogiversary and I hope to write a little more about the blog & where it & I have been over the past year. April 1, 2008 was a tough day. April 1, 2009, is kind of tough, too, though my life is so much better now than then. But there are no pat happy endings, there's always more to do and live through and think about, and the damage and loss we sustain stays with us. I talked on the phone with my dad last night and due to a variety of circumstances I realized, or articulated to myself, for the first time how hurt I have been by him, how small and worthless I have felt. We were never terribly close but after my parents' divorce when I was 15 we were on strained speaking terms for a few years, and then we didn't have any contact from when I was 19 til I was 22, about three and a half years. And I've been angry and all sorts of things about that, but I never really admitted how vulnerable it made me feel and how much it hurt to be rejected by my masculine role model at that juncture. Anyway I'm feeling sad about that relationship today, and wishing I could call in sick to my life and go watch the planes land over Boston Harbor or something. But nothing doing, I've got things to do, and probably that is for the best.


Jess said...

Happy Blogiversary. :) Has it really only been a year? wow..

Good for you for talking to your Dad about your feelings. That is really hard to do. What was his response?

Watching planes sounds nice. I say you go for it. said...

I'd tell my mother but it's not like she'd care.

Glad this one is slightly better than the last.

Hopefully "slightly better" is the trend. :)

Happy blogiversary.

Leo MacCool said...

Thanks Jess & Tina, you two are absolutely the best. Just to clarify... I didn't say anything at all to my dad, just thought about things in my own head while we talked about jobs/weather/whatever.

greg said...

It's kind of like coming out of a coma. You are just waking up and little by little your senses are awakening. This is a very good thing! It hurts like hell but it's finally here-all the stuff you pushed down and away, you are finally, really feeling it. It means that you are getting healthy and allowing yourself to feel all the stuff you weren't strong enough to feel before. Good for you.

Happy Blogiversary!! I feel like it was such a short time ago that I stumbled here and swooned over your beautiful declarations of love for FG. I've always been a fan and am thrilled that you never had to let her go. Much love.

QueerRose said...

Happy blogiversary Leo! Is it possible that so much can happen in just one year? Well yes! Hopefully, as Tina said, your years will getter better each time.

Hearing you on the feelings around your father. Thanks for sharing.

With love
QRx said...

Happy anniversary.

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. FOr what it's worth, if you look back over your blog entries, you just seem *so much better.*

Be well.

QueerRose said...

PS You are tagged! Pop over to mine to find out more QRx

LL Cool Joe said...

I assumed you'd been blogging for longer than this too Leo. Happy Anniversary!

I'm glad you are in a happier place now than you were a year ago. I dunno though, when you have gender issues I'm not sure you ever really reach a place of contentment anyway. It's a continuous journey. But wow what a journey with great highs and lows.

Who wants contentment anyway? I think content people are boring.

B said...

Wow, I didn't realize it was April 1st. That was coincidentally about the time I started reading you. I accidentally found you with a google search under "lesbian blog", I believe. You have been through so much. Keep writing!!!!

dolphyngyrl said...

It sucks that, no matter how far we've moved past dwelling in the angst caused by our families (in whole or in part), that, every now and again, it rears it's damn head and bites us squarely on the ass.

On the plus side, though, it sounds like you were able to kind of put a name to the angst, and, hopefully, that will help you work through it and maybe even move past it.


MLC said...

Happy Anniversary!

I have new digs - visit me at the new place please.

And one day I will respond to your meme - I have you know been doing stuff.

Butch Boo said...

Big Hug.


e said...

Congrats on a year of blogging and, more importantly, staying together.

Here's my question: how did you make it up with FreedomGirl?

Also, it's good you are still talking with your dad ~ even if you don't talk about the deep stuff.

Dawn on MDI said...

Happy blogoversary!

Dad stuff is tough. Mine got diagnosed this week with Alzheimer's. Takes the wind out of the rage and decades of hate, somehow.

I'm really glad you turned to writing to work stuff out. Realy glad.

Miss Emily said...

Sinclair is a lot of my inspiration too, as far as being open about gender issues, even if we're very different. Happy blogiversary! I went back to read that first entry and now I have to keep reading. You write well. Makes people want to read.

Kyle said...

Congrats on our bloggiversary. It's been quite a year for you, and the way things are going, the next one will see even more growth.

thanks for inviting us along for the ride.