Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Springtime Drives Me Crazy

Spring is my favorite season. I don't understand starting the new year in January because for me everything is reborn and remade in the spring. This was especially clear last year but it's true every year in one way or another. Spring is ecstatic and wild and liberating.

The flip side is that it also makes me crazy. Or, I can hear FG's objections already, it makes my craziness more volatile, harder to control, more liable to spin out and crash. Sometimes the new bright sunlight streaming through bare tree branches seems horrible to me, raw and unbearable. I am reminded that spring is a time of starvation in the natural world, and once in ours too, when the winter food supplies run out and the new ones aren't available yet. Spring is nature red in tooth and claw, as Tennyson wrote. Or, better to quote T.S. Eliot, who describes exactly how I feel in the opening lines of The Waste Land:

"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."

I want to write a summary of the last year here, answer E.'s question about how we reinvented ourselves after that April Fool's Day, but I can't bear to immerse myself in the quiet of the past right now. The future seems equally impossible to contemplate. I want to lose myself in the immediacy of the present. My mind is filled with wild thoughts, but I'm holding on to the details of life, making coffee and arranging to watch a friend's cat and working on my dissertation, and reminding myself that rebirth hurts every year but the leaves will break through the buds and the light will soften and mature and I will come down off this ledge, cleaner and hopefully wiser yet again.


greg said...

Oh wow. Gorgeous.

Jennie said...

please just hold onto the mundane..the common..the comfortable around you..

i feel each year to varying degrees the way you described.

just hang on.

Namaste said...

Hi! Thank you so very much for leaving that link on my blog. It's would be a perfect gig for me, and so thank you for passing it along.

Cheers and best wishes!

e said...

You are right ~ it's crazy that the year starts in mid-winter. The true beginning is spring.

Spring in Portland, Oregon is insanely lush, ridiculously, gorgeously crazy with flowers and grass and trees all blooming and petals filling the gutters and sidewalks slippery pink with blossoms. It's nature run amok with beauty. And, after the kind of long, cold, gray, wet winters that we have it is a time of reckless exuberance. I love spring.

Today the sun is shining.

LL Cool Joe said...

"I want to lose myself in the immediacy of the present."

Always the best way mate. You can't change the past, but the immediate will change your future. Who knows what the future holds anyway? Live each day as if it's your last. That's what me and James Dean say, anyway.

Oh is it Spring? The grass needs cutting again. ;)

thetotalfemme said...

Recovering academic that I am, I always think the new year begins in September! But I hear you on the crazy spring energy and that itchy feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.