That'll teach me to suggest I'm going to start daily blogging. Not so much apparently.
While I was gone I won an award from Joliesse, who started her blog not long ago but has already covered all sorts of interesting topics, on being femme, on mental illness, on topping vs. bottoming, on whether or not spring has started, and that's just what comes to mind. Thanks, Joliesse. There's a bunch of stuff I'm sposta do now, like reposting a very pink & flowery picture & awarding it to some other folks. (You want it, Jess? I know how you like pink flowers...) Anyway I'm feeling lazy and maybe I'll do it one of these days or maybe not. Still, I was very touched by Joliesse's post and her kind words.
This is my hundredth post. (I think. Could be 99 or 101. I deleted one for privacy reasons a while back and I forget how it affected the numbering.) 100 or so posts in a little over a year. I'm amazed at how much I've written and how much has changed. Maybe the biggest suprise, but also the nicest, is the way that I feel just like myself these days. When I think back to myself, oh, 18 months ago, it's like looking through a fog, or at a drugged zombie version of myself. It's hard to make myself believe I really was that person, living in that body and making those choices. Weird how the mind works.
I went to a drag show at my college the other night and found it a strangely emotional experience. I was out in college but I didn't have any queer friends or community. I went to the gay group once or twice but never saw anyone who was anything like me (it was only 4 or 5 people total each time so that's not exactly a shock). I used to think of my college experience as one of the happiest times of my life, but walking around before the show, I thought maybe it was a bit more complicated than that. There was joy to be sure, the sheer elation of having gotten out of my childhood home and the fierce joy of the crazy quantity of intellectual learning I did then, but it was a strange, solitary kind of exaltation. Whole days and weeks would go by when I hardly spoke to anyone outside of formal interactions, especially in the first couple of years. I experienced a new kind of happiness but I spent a lot of time desperately lonely, too, on the verge of breakdown or hallucination. The drag show, though, was all kinds of awesome and I was glad to be there.
Work-related stuff shows no signs of letting up in the near future, and then there are real-life distractions too. I'm about to run out of this cafe where I'm typing this after dropping off a job application and pick up FG and try to squeeze in dinner and some more work and maybe something a little more intimate before a birthday party. And that's just tonight. But even if another long time goes by before I post again know that I am reading your blogs as often as I can and am grateful every day for you all. And I'm working up to another 100 posts, just you wait.