Friday, 10 October 2008

Crush

Life has been jam packed recently, travel and more travel, work and more work, job applications and dancing and friends. I'm not complaining, in fact it's exactly what I want and what I need, but it means that I have been remiss in posting here.

And so a week has gone by and I have not even written about this amazing thing. You know how (straight) girls use the phrase 'girl crush' to mean a sort of infatuated hero worship thing in regards to another girl? It's always irritated me a little but I'm reclaiming it here, because I am seriously crushing on this person in exactly that way.

We went out the other night. From the moment she walked in the room I was in awe and it lasted all night. She embodied the exact female masculinity that feels most natural to me, but she did it with decision, certainty, panache, authority. She backed me up, humorously, when T. back seat drove (I was driving) and handled a random drunk guy on the street with grace and calm. She made fun of me when I got nervous and femmed out, and when she praised my parallel parking I let myself enjoy it, just a little, just for a moment.

This is not the eloquent post I've imagined writing all week. But this sort of thing never is eloquent, is it? But look, the thing is, I've never really met someone and thought, that. That's what I want to be when I grow up. And I've read about the baby butch thing and the butch mentor thing and I don't know if this is where this is going, really, in any more formal or elaborate sense. But I know I'm grateful to her for having the balls to exist the way she does and for letting me see it. And I wanted to let you all know about it, even in this awkward, haphazard, blushing and stumbling over my feet kind of way.

10 comments:

Holden said...

She sounds great Leo, enjoy your "girl crush" and ask her if she's got any "Rockstar" friends in the UK she could introduce me to!

Jessie MacRae said...

It's a rare thing for a butch woman to find a person who can act like a role model, just like it's rare for gay couples to find role models for long-term relationships...they're just not common enough!

I'm jealous, I wish I could meet someone like that.

Honey said...

That is the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Tina-cious.com said...

That is totally cool. :)

Renee Gannon said...

Just stumbled across your blog... it's quite lovely. I would love to do a link a exchange if you are interested :) Renee from lesbiatopia.com

MLC said...

Infatuations of any kind are so much fun...giddy, giddy!

enjoy-
j.

Butch Boo said...

I was talking about this very thing this morning. I used to get confused having crushes on butches in uniforms such as the local firefighter- until I realised that it wasn't that I wanted to have her I wanted to be her!

BB
X

Kyle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kyle said...

I want to echo BB. I have been thinking about that kind of crush lately actually, how I have crushed out on various butches and role models of all kinds over the years, for that same reason. These crushes have the same kind of heart racing, adrenaline pumping, turn you into a stalker kind of effect the romantic crush can have. And, like a romantic crush, if you start to get to know the person, you will probably find out they are human and have flaws. But flawed or not, there's something in their presentation you admire and can learn from for yourself.

As to Jessie's comment, my partner and I have served as role models over the years for other couples, having been together 15 years now. It's not something we volunteered for, mind you, but it happened. We get invited to a lot of weddings of acquaintances and one of the brides actually told us it was because of our successful relationship, like we're some kind of good luck charm.

It will be interesting if this hero worship continues once the larger community becomes aware of our newly open relationship. It's been a year now, so obviously it's working for us. I just wonder that success will continue to draw people to us and if we'll continue to serve as a role model in our community.

Jessie MacRae said...

Kyle, it's awesome that you and your partner can act as role models for the community. I wouldn't think that an open status would necessarily endanger that, though. It demonstrates that it must require a lot of trust and maturity for both parties to be able to handle an open relationship and make it work.

Sorry to hijack your post, Leo!