Saturday, 20 September 2008

It's Cold Outside, It Gets So Hot In Here

This is going to be a free association post.

The title is from U2's 11 o'clock tick tock, which they used to play at the end of their concerts. I used to be a very serious U2 fan, and then one day, their music just stopped doing it for me. I still like it, I don't change the station when it comes on the radio or anything, but I've just moved on. Life is funny that way.

It is cold outside. I like it, but I'm not used to it yet. I do like getting to wear jackets and stuff though. I'm a big fan of outerwear. For a while I wore the pea coat my grandfather wore in the Navy which was super cool, but I'm actually a bit big for it (I'm taller than my grandfather and my arms are longer than his).

Hot in here... not literally. This dancing thing is crazy hot, though. We've just started learning and let me tell you, this dance is on fire. I'm learning how to lead which requires summoning up total confidence and direction--you have to communicate to your partner what to do with decisive motions and the sheer force of your own conviction. I have a lot of that energy but I am used to keeping it smashed down and hidden away pretty much everywhere but the bedroom. Learning to dance in this way has so far been absolutely therapeutic and liberating, not to mention darn sexy. Of course we're both terrible so far. It's not easy. But no way am I giving up--I want to do it right.

So far I've danced mostly with my teacher--T. and I aren't really good enough to dance together yet. You're supposed to dance with a variety of people, not just your usual partner all the time. At the last class, the teacher was demonstrating the different ways of holding your partner, which range up to chests-touching-close. This is another way learning to dance is stretching me and releasing things in me. My family does almost no physical touching; even hugs hello and goodbye are quick and distant, more distant than the closest dancing embrace. And being touched has always been, for me, a complicated and fraught thing: what I could accept, what I could reject, what it meant. I realized, during the lesson, that I was so afraid that my teacher would hate having to touch me, would be repelled by having my body that close to hers. And that the human closeness that happens when dancing is actually profoundly reassuring and grounding to me, even though I have to overcome my fears about it. It warms something in me that has been cold for so long.


femmeismygender said...

Leo, the end of this post brought a lump to my throat, and tears to my eyes.I just want to send you the biggest hug from over the pond. T is a lucky lady, xxx fimg

Ms.Hinterland Femme said...

I can so relate to what you wrote about coldness. Good for you for having the courage to do what you need.

Jess said...

I love cancing with Tina. I'd love to take classes said...

You and me both baby. I would soooooo do this with you.

Maybe we can look into it some time.

Oh and I can relate to the closeness thing too -- my family's not big on it either -- hell they aren't even little on it.

Well except for the fake a$$ Portuguese double-cheek kiss. ;P

Sublimefemme said...

The tango--so romantic! Clearly you're well on your way to being a big time butch heartbreaker. ;-)

Leo MacCool said...

thanks, everyone, for the thoughtful words... jess, let's all go dancing one of these nights.

and sublime femme--no, no, i only break femme hearts. ;)