Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Gravity Shifting

She went down on me and I surprised myself by asking for her finger inside me and yes, coming that way, too. And afterward I fell apart, choking on tears that tasted like chlorine and old, old pain. Maybe there’s a reason we’d never tried that?

I kept it up, the crying, most of the weekend. (Quite a lesson in aftercare for her; she was a brilliant success.) The pain, a lot of it, came from: how I hated being the girl I was required to be, inoffensive, acquiescent. The desolating dawning realization in childhood that the stakes of my success were staggeringly high (love, for starters). She touched the place in me I held safe behind barbed wire and alarm sirens while the girl (me) was doing what she had to do.

**

My brother wrote back. Not a good reply. By the time I got it, though, I had nothing left but a wave of anger followed by certainty: I am so done with this. His palpable discomfort and displeasure, his wanting me to be something else or at least shut the hell up, is an external fact now, not a climatic condition in my soul.

**

I did some online shopping and as of today I’m the proud owner of a brand-spanking-new strap-on. And truly gravity has shifted in me: while I was waiting at the post office to pick up my (ahem) package, I looked at the men with me in line, and pitied their not knowing the sweetness of this anticipation.

6 comments:

jess said...

Very nice post. The excitement is pretty intense isn't it? Now, Leo my brother, own it and most definitely enjoy it.

Vivian said...

hey, thanks for reading my blog. i'm tuned into yours now. really interesting post here. it's sometimes such a difficult thing to navigate the emotional journey of sex, especially when someone who is used to having all the control gives it up. i've seen it when the ones i've loved have expereienced the intense release of being topped. nice writing.

appple said...

commence the rocking out
(with your cock out)

congrats on the purchase...
may it bring you many hours of cathartic joy

letsdance said...

Yes, yes, yes, Leo!! Be who you are! Be whole. Be honest. Be happy!
Jan

Maria said...

I say strap the thing on and get out there and dance....

Dylan said...

I can really connect with your the first paragraph of this entry. I let myself fully go there once, because I too needed to heal something. It's comforting to know that experience is one that others have struggled with.

Enjoy your new cock! What fun!