Wednesday, 2 April 2008

there's more than one closet

Welcome to my blog. It's here for two purposes:
  1. the usual one: I need someplace to write about my troubles, my hopes, and my dyke drama, and I wouldn't mind some feedback. (Which is not, at the moment, forthcoming In Real Life for reasons that will become clear, I suspect.)
  2. the community one: I've been spiritually sustained, challenged, and opened by some of what I've found in the blogosphere. I'm in awe of the honesty and courage of lesbian bloggers who make their voices available to us all. If someone googles lesbian self-hatred, or internalized homophobia, or lesbophobia, well, my loftiest goal is that they'll find me and perhaps find some kinship if nothing more.
That's the gist, there, in the last sentence of the second item. Although I've been out as a gay woman for just about a decade and am married to a beautiful woman, I've done a damn good job fucking up my life through an internal homophobia that ran so deep I almost didn't know it was there.
For as long as I can remember, since I was a little child, I have had a feeling of being fundamentally different from other people: almost of having literally a mark of shame about me that others could sense and that meant I could not have the same things as other people could, or at least I would have to do more or pay more to get them. I fell hard for the love of my life at age 14 and decide to mortgage my sexuality in order to purchase the right to be with her. I'm 28 now; I've been with her half of my life; and indeed I've lived only half a life nearly all that time. As the title of the blog suggests, I'm in the masculine corner of the gender galaxy, but I bought into everything that labelled that imitative and pathological and just plain unacceptable.
This was in spite of, and not because of, her. As I wrote to her yesterday:
"you have always embodied such brave realms of open possibility and even way back when, when i first fell irrevocably in love with you, i wanted to become a person who could live in the air of possibility. not to become just someone you wanted me to be, not like that, but to leave the dank, stale cave and venture out into the light where you were. and instead i pulled you into the cave. i'm so, so sorry, for me and for you. i can understand entirely why you would want to give up on me. i think i would want to give up on me. i don't know what to do about that."
I'm trying now to live my life in the way I should have been all the time, finding the joy in my sexuality rather than acquiescing to shame. I'm also trying to make amends for all the harm I've done this wonderful woman, my wife.
I realize this post is rather heavy and depressing. If you keep reading, I promise, there will be more sex, more humor, more fun stuff. Or at least more juicy drama and less agonized analysis. I hope.

3 comments:

Clementine said...

Good for you, Leo--I'm so glad you're writing this blog. May your courage, strength, and pride overcome your fear and shame. I'm rooting for you!

sinclair said...

lovely introduction; welcome! hope you find this a useful space to write and process and tell stories and explore.

Leo MacCool said...

thank you! you are both inspirations to me.